It was February 9, 2012 when I first walked into Ruth’s office. I was very scared about what was about to happen. Would she expect something of me that I could not deliver on? What if I couldn’t connect with her? What if I couldn’t trust her? What were her expectations of me and could I meet them? I was a ball of nerves and honestly if I hadn’t been so ill both physically and emotionally I don’t know if I would have ever walked in.
As I sat in the waiting room I began what would become a ritual for me. I prayed. I just closed my eyes and talked to my God and asked him to help me through this; to give me what I needed. Every day that I have seen Ruth I take time to just talk to the Lord and to ask him to make me ready for whatever he wants me to learn today. I ask him to give me the words I need to say and to give Ruth the words I need to hear. And I invite him to come into the room and be with Ruth and I on that day. I could not have gotten through all of the very difficult days that lay ahead without Him. Several years into treatment I told Ruth that I didn’t know how people heal from this without the Lord. She said that with the right professional help people can find a measure of peace, but complete healing only comes through our work with Christ.
I came to think of this first day with Ruth as a “Meet & Great” session. I had all of these fears that I would be expected to jump into the deep end of the pool of my despair and instead we just talked. She asked me a lot of questions about myself and my family. She spoke to me about PTSD and what it is and gave me many suggestions on combating the effects of it. She gave me information on anxiety and breathing techniques and she gave me a paper that listed emotions. I remember thinking “what is that all about?” Why would I need a paper that listed emotions, but I found use for it many times as this journey began.
When I left that day I remember thinking that this was nothing like what I had expected it to be. In some way I was a bit disappointed as I had been preparing myself to just say all of the awful words that were bubbling up inside of me. Later I realized that everything went just the way it was supposed to. I came to understand that when I walked into that office and met Ruth I in essence gave up control of my healing to the Lord. The one thing that surprised me the most, but also brought me the most comfort was when Ruth got up and came to sit by me. She said I am going to pray for you now and she took my hands and prayed for my well being and for our time together. I was very touched by this and I knew absolutely that the Lord had brought me to her. I was in good hands, not because it was Ruth, but because the Lord appointed her the one to walk this path with me.
Opening up to someone else about the most vulnerable parts of yourself can be really intimidating. It takes a lot of courage to just take the first step on the journey and then to commit yourself to the hard work that it will take to become the person God intended you to be. If you are hurting and need help I encourage you to seek out a good Christian counselor. You have a choice to make every day. Am I going to live this day in the same fear and trepidation that I have lived the last 13,000 days or am I going to do something different today in order to have a different tomorrow. It is not easy, it is not cheap, but it is worth it and so are you. YES YOU ARE!! God Bless.