I have spoken briefly from time to time on my inability to make choices as others seem more freely able to do. I believe this to be a difficult concept for the average person to understand. It appears to me that for most of the individuals in my life they grew up and pretty much followed their heart (desire, yearning, thoughts, wishes and/or expectations) to the next phase of their lives. When I think back to my teenage years and those in my peer group and my older sisters, it appeared to me that everyone had a goal in mind and whether it was to marry their “high school sweetheart” or go to college or get a job or whatever, they appeared to have the ability to create the vision that they had for themselves. Along with this ability most seemed capable of changing those goals mid- stream and moving toward a different, but equally clear path if a change became necessary.
I had the ability to set some goals and to work toward the success of them, but my goals were more geared toward what I did not want in life rather than what I did want. This is where I think the breakdown was for me in choice making. I was focused on safety and living in fear which drastically limited my range of choices. I could not choose whether or not I wanted to get married nor have children because I knew that this was not possible for me. I could not trust men, I could not bear to have sex, I could not imagine going through the terror of just having the normal female exams. And because there existed so many things that I could not do those things were no longer choices.
I became a person who had no ability to achieve the choice therefore the choice could not be made. When I was a junior or senior in high school people began to question us on “what we want to be when we grow up”. I could never tell anyone that my honest answer was “I grew up long ago, but I have no plans to have a future”. I never expected to live long and I saw no reason to set forth goals that I knew were not achievable. But at the same time I had to appear to go along with the peer group.
So much of this type of existence has changed for me. I am no longer this person and yet I have not fully developed into who the Lord intends me to be either. I am in flux and enjoying now what I would have been able to enjoy long ago if not for the actions of another. Some choices for me are gone forever. I will never have a child as I am past the age of conceiving and so I continue to tell myself that I never wanted a child, but I’m not so sure that is true. I don’t think about it too often because it again feels pointless to put energy into something that I cannot make a different choice about. Recently someone asked me if I now have a goal of getting married someday. I told them no and tried to explain to them that for me I am working always not to achieve what I think or someone else thinks I should but instead what the Lord wants for me. I told this person that I have changed in this manner: I no longer have the goal of never getting married and that if someday the Lord has someone for me then I want to be open to that and able to accept the gift.
Today I am making choices that until recently I would never have even thought about. A few years ago I didn’t know that I had an ability to write and express my thoughts and feelings. I could never have stood in front of a group of people for any reason as I would have been so scared that they would somehow know that I had been sexually abused just by looking at me. I could not have prayed out loud and felt so comfortable talking to my Lord. I was UNABLE to share in any way with anyone. And I could not imagine just 3 years ago that I would one day be sharing my innermost thoughts with whoever wished to read them.
Today I am excited about what my life and future holds for me. I am feeling so ready to reach out to you all and touch your lives in some meaningful way. I am thrilled with the prospect of sharing the Lord and his wonderful healing work. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death and I have joyfully come out of the darkness with the Lord by my side. I am prayerfully seeking his wisdom and will at this time. I have learned so much about myself and how I have processed my trauma, but I know I have much to learn about how to assist you with your hurt. I pray that the Lord will teach me how best to help others. I pray that this coming New Year will bring me full circle and that I will be prepared to accomplish all that he wants for me. I pray. God Bless.